I am tired of love songs. The thing is since I graduated and entered college, crushes have seem to become sort of obselete, they are looked upon as middle school phenomenas, though for me, it is a not so recent past. I feel as if more so for people who date people of the opposite sex crushes are more potential dating than for people who predominantly date or are interesting in people of the same sex. Maybe its the fact that I am not living on my own yet and my 21st birthday is still a few months off, but I feel as if I am more attracted to straight girls, which obviously is an unavailable field unless you want a casual hook-up and the boy field is a small and an attraction that is slow to happen or a very rare occurence.
In my life I have many an unrequited love affair, mostly with girls, straight girls (though I call them “straight” girls). Every one, at least once in their life, has fallen for someone they cannot have because the other person simply is not attracted to their gender, is unavailable (whether physically or emotionally or both), or just does not have the same feelings. Unrequited love is sort of fun and as we all know, there are many songs and poems written about it because of the thrill of liking someone, aching for someone, pining for someone.
I have noticed a commonality in myself to like people who are unavailable and I began to wonder why that is and so I wanted to discuss and present some of the theories that I have come across.All of them have a truth to them even though they may not ring true for you.
Crushes As a Reminder
I came across an article, handout rather, that said you have crushes that remind you of your first love. This doesn’t have to be romantic love, it can be a parent or a friend, or a relative who raised you, etc. It says that if this person was emotionally unavailable to you, then you will recreate it because it was a model for your first love. This attraction is done out of habit despite the pain it will cause later.
Everyone loves the chase, maybe not the game, but the trying to get the person. Flirtation is fun and the adrenalin that comes with liking a new person is addicted because you fawn over every little cute or handsome or attractive thing they do.
Idealism and Fantasy
Unrequited love is all about fantasy and created a person who is ideal for you and seeing that in this person. You never really get to know them, but keep them more as a prince or princess figure, sort of on a pedestal. This person is always who the unrequited lover wants them to be because the fantasy is all they see.
Fear of Intimacy
I had someone mention this to me once about how maybe I fear intimacy unconsciously, which I thought was very strange because I have this conception that I love being close to people. I think this theory is very Freudian, the whole basing past experiences on the experiences you have now sort of thing.
Recreating a Happy Ending
Everyone wants a happy ending and in being attracted to a similar person who was like a past love and trying to create another ending, the lover can time travel. This never really works because the unrequited lover is living in the past, trying to correct a love.
Love has been romanticized in our society and unrequited love makes me question our romanticization of certain expressions of love. For example, obsession and jealousy. I don’t really think those should be romanticized. This also brought about another question for me in terms of unrequited love. I wonder if more of the people who fall into this “trap” let’s call it, are women? Usually men are seen as pursuers and women the pursued (though this of course is not always the case) so in that case men go for their crushes. I know this is an over-simplification of things because obviously social categories fall into how we attract or follow or get who we like, but it still makes me wonder. I usually do not find a lot of men who are attracted to women they can not get, but it is more women who I encounter or queer people (I am using queer as an umbrella term, the whole gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, etc, etc community).
So looking on these and reading about it, I talked to one of my very good friends about unrequited love. She told me that all of the people I have been attracted to have been very different and I thought maybe I just like to psychoanalyze, overanalyze, and dissect my love life a little too much to make it make sense. Maybe love or attraction does not really have to make sense at all, but then again, I find a hinting similarity between all of my attractions and it makes me wonder if attraction should be analyzed and some sort of attractions should be problematized and therefore changed.